Why Might Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria be Problematic in the Kink World?

While not an "official diagnosis", Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. Lots of folks with executive dysfunction struggle with this symptom, including those with ADHD. An important distinction in this symptom, is that it is something perceived by the individual, not necessarily something that might realistically happen. I don't know about you, but if somebody does not respond to a text that I sent in a timely manner, my mind immediately thinks this person doesn't like me, never liked me, and will never talk to me again. In DBT terms, my Rational Mind tells me that I am just overreacting, but Emotion Mind is STRONG!

While in my massage this morning (self care yall!), I was reminded of a time at an event where there was a person who was a certified massage therapist, but was providing their very strong hands to those of us masochists just happy enough to accept the strong hands massage. I got on the massage chair and all was well, a slightly deep massage....and then, holy crap strong hands very deep, very uncomfortable massage. In my mind, I was done! But wait, if I tell them to stop so quickly, people will think I'm not a true masochist, I'm couldn't last as long as xyz, I'm just one of those 50 Shades people. So I stayed. Even though I did not want to. I ignored the red in my head because the fear of rejection or scrutiny of others hurt more (emotionally) than the strong hands were hurting my back.

This is a pretty low stakes example, but as someone on the little side of the slash, I can easily see others of us desiring to continue something we really want to "red" at, just because we fear the repercussions of peoples reactions to us wanting to stop. They might not want to play with us anymore. What if they're mad that they tied us up beautifully just for us to ask them to untie us right away? No way they're ever going to want to tie us up again because we just wasted an hour of their time!

Okay....so what do we do about it?

For a scene...

For both top and bottom...All of the communication in the world!! Before your scene. During your scene. So much communication during. After your scene to review for next time (if that's in the cards).

For the bottom, have implicit trust (maybe a touch of abject terror, if that's what you're into) with the person topping you. Have the knowledge that you experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and make it known to the person topping you! If you have an agreement with the top to push you as far as they can, advocate for yourself once you reach that limit. They will be proud of how far you were able to go. Even though your emotion mind wants to tell you that stopping the scene is going to make the top or people around you feel xyz about you, redirect that biatch to Rational mind and have a chat to get yourself into Wise Mind. Think about this....have you ever thought someone wasn't a masochist, or kinky, or rope bunny enough just because they advocated for themselves and stopped a scene they were uncomfortable in? You have to think to yourself "I am stopping the scene for my safety/mental health/physical health and the top would like to play again at another time when I am in the right head space." Two things that you originally thought were opposing can actually be true at the same time.

For the top, be sure you know any non-negotiables for your bottom. Check in with them often during the scene and reassure them how happy you are to be playing with them but want to respect their desire to stop whenever that desire hits. Check in about their mental and physical space, and feelings of safety. If you start to question whether they mean they'd really like to continue, you also have the power to stop the scene. If you have an agreement that you push the bottom as far as they possibly can go, check with them prior to the scene and find out what the signs are that they are done. They may be in subspace and be unable to advocate for themselves to stop. If you are the one they put in charge of their safety, then make sure you are aware of the signs they are done.